


The Professor That Had No Clue What Was Going On

by madmanslash



Series: Stories of a Clueless Hogwarts Professor [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Everyone's the right age, I do what I want, M/M, Same plot with tweeks, Slow Burn, Snape is kind of good, Sprout Retires, new professor, so slow
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-08
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2019-03-02 02:26:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13308447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madmanslash/pseuds/madmanslash
Summary: Arrel Spurling had lived at Hogwarts during his childhood years, and now later as an adult, he works there as well. An expert in Herbology, Arrel prepares to take over the responsibilities of Pomona Sprout, who was decided to head into an early retirement. He is well prepared for this change in position, but not much else.Relive the Hogwarts experience in the eyes of a Professor who has no clue what is going on, and is seriously questioning whether he knew anything to begin with. Though, with a little help from fellow teachers, a romantic interest, and even some students, he might just manage to make it through the chaos.





	1. Zenosyne

**Author's Note:**

> The summary is totally cheesy, but I stand by it. Everyone is the right age as compared to the books, so a bit younger than depicted in the movies. I intend to keep the plot relatively the same, but with some tweaks and a few extra turns.
> 
> This isn't beta-ed or anything, so if you see a mistake, please let me know and i'll fix it :)

**A SMALL TOWN IN ENGLAND, 1965**

 

It was a Thursday, perfectly normal on all accounts as far as most were concerned. The post had arrived promptly as usual, by the ever timely Brandon on his reliable bike. Families had breakfast, sat at the kitchen table with the telly going on in the background. Children were given their lunches and set off to school, either by bus or bike or foot. Fathers- and some mothers- got into their automobiles and set off to begin their day at work. 

 

Yes, for most it was an exceedingly ordinary Thursday.

 

Unfortunately, it would not remain so for one family in particular.

 

The Spurlings appeared just as normal as the rest of their neighbors at first glance. However, the especially nosy folk often noticed some strange going ons. On some days- even Sundays, ever so odd- an owl could be seen briefly flying overhead to drop letters onto the front doorstep of the Spurlings. Other days they shuttered their blinds and curtains, locked their doors and wouldn’t be seen for the entirety of the day. None of this happened often enough for those nosy neighbors to bring upon any concerns, but they always kept their eye on that particular house. 

 

So, when Thursday passed and Friday came and some saw that the Spurling residence remained silent and all locked up, no one thought much of it. Then Friday came and went all the same, and Saturday arrived. It was a warm weekend, so everyone gathered in their yards to play, children running about as parents sat in the shade to watch. Yet, the Spurling house remained a silent spot amongst the rows of houses. While it was not unheard of for them to remain inside for a single day, for them to do so for a second was preposterous, and on a Saturday no less.

 

It was with that in mind that Patty Perslin left her spot in the shade and made her way across the street, finding herself at the doorstep of the Spurling’s. The mail from the previous morning and that morning had piled upon the welcome mat, leaving a curious little pile of white and yellow envelopes sliding from atop one another. Patty pushed them to the side with her sandal, and stepped up to the door. With a pristine french manicured nail, she tapped the doorbell. 

 

What Patty did not know, was that the Spurlings would not answer, nor would they ever answer again. After all, Mr. and Mrs. Spurling were dead.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**HOGWARTS, LATE MAY 1991**

 

It was a Sunday, perfectly normal on all accounts as far as most were concerned. Then again, when concerning Hogwarts, normal was a relatively broad term that usually meant the day had lasted without a student at least blowing their eyebrows off. Which for Arrel Spurling, was well enough. For that meant he was welcome to participate in his weekly ritual of using Sybill Trelawney as a guinea pig for the new blend of tea he had been working on.

 

So there they both sat in Trelawney’s rooms, at one of her questionably old and rickety tables covered in drapes, each with a satisfyingly hot cup of tea in hand.

 

“This is good. Yes, very,” Trelawney paused in her approval to take a more careful, contemplative sip from the cup. “Hmm, I have no clue what you’ve put in this. What  _ is _ in here?” 

 

“Oh, can’t tell you that, or you’d have no use of me then,” My face warmed in pride and a small smile managed to slip onto my lips as I teased. Her immediate response was to squint her eyes in amusement and wave a hand about as if to dispel my words from the very air.

 

“I enjoy our tea dates, whether you bring me your own or not,” Another sip, “Though it is definitely an improvement.”

 

“Such a flatterer, aren’t you?” Trelawney’s only response to my mild jibe was to smile and resume drinking her tea. Satisfied with the comfortability of the following silence, I joined her in resuming my cup of tea. The flavor had turned out rather well and the blend itself had been relatively easy to make. As per usual, I had strayed from the multitude of magical plants at my disposal and gone the more muggle route. Mainly a blend of warm spices with lemon rind and a few other more obscure ingredients, it was mellow but with a nice kick that lingered. 

 

“Oh!” Sputtering on the mouthful of tea I had just taken, I looked over to Sybil whose sudden exclamation had nearly made me drop my cup, “ Have you heard?”

 

“Heard what exactly,” My hoarse voice questioned as I attempted to mop up some of the tea I had embarrassingly spit all over my front. 

 

“About Quirrell, he’s changing subjects next year,” She replied, seemingly completely oblivious to me having made a mess of myself.

 

“Changing subjects, what on earth for?” Having finally gotten the worst of my mess, I set down my tea and turned towards Sybil, “He’s been doing Muggle Studies since… well since he’s been at Hogwarts, hasn’t he?”

 

“Yes, I don’t believe he’s _ ever _ done anything else. Which makes it more strange that he’ll be teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts of all things.”

 

“What? That is strange. He’s never said anything of any interest in that area. Any idea why?” For a teacher to switch between subjects was not exactly unheard of, perhaps a little uncommon, but not entirely unrealistic. However, to switch between two subjects that were so vastly different, now that  _ was _ unheard of.

 

“Haven’t a clue,” Although she had brought up the subject, Sybil seemed entirely unconcerned with its peculiarities, which was also somewhat odd. Having been the sole teacher for Divinations for quite some time, she often had good instincts concerning the goings ons of the school. It was one of the reasons for these very tea visits. It was a chance for her to have someone to talk to about all of her vague insights, and for me to indulge in my bad habit of a bit of gossiping. So for her to not have any kind of care about this Quirrell business, that was unusual. Although if she was unconcerned, it was likely there was nothing to be concerned about.

 

“Ah, well, suppose it’s not really my business,” Shrugging, I went to take another sip of my tea only to find the cup sadly empty of anything but the remaining sludge of leaves coating the bottom.

 

“Oh, have you finished?”

 

“Suppose so, would you like to read the leaves?” This was another reason I enjoyed our tea visits, is at the end Sybil would read my leaves for me. It was a nice little insight to the coming days, although not always helpful or entirely correct. In fact, the readings were often much too vague to do much with, but I thought it fun. 

 

“Oh yes, cup then!” She made a waving motion for me to hand it over and I gladly handed the cup over, watching eagerly as she examined the sludge in the bottom. “Hm, yes….yes, interesting…. Looks like perhaps a flower, most likely a daisy, and some hills. That would be new love and challenges.”

 

“That’s likely,” I couldn’t help the snort that left me at such a ridiculous notion. Well, the challenges at least was somewhat expected. Pomona Sprout was readying herself to retire from teaching and for me to take over both her positions after the next year. Taking over the Herbology teaching position wasn’t what concerned me, after all that had been my chosen profession and I already had some experience in helping Sprout to teach her classes. No, it was being head of Hufflepuff. Not that I knew Hufflepuff to be in any way a troublesome house, having been one myself during my student years, it was more having the wellbeing and discipline of so many students under my responsibility. So, challenges indeed.

 

New love, though? Now that was ridiculous indeed. It was no secret to those who knew me well that I leaned toward the more masculine sex- not that it was disparaged like it was in muggle society, however it did make it more difficult to find a compatible partner. It also was no secret, again to those who knew me well, that I had certain… affections towards a certain fellow teacher. I would not deign to admit it was anything close to resembling a crush, after all I was an adult and not some doe-eyed teenager. However, the holder of my attentions was rather known for his disagreeable temperament and dislike for people in general. Although we spoke, it was never anything further than conversations between colleagues, much to my imminent dismay.

 

Sybill set down my cup and patted one of my hands sympathetically, being one of those close enough to myself to know what was likely on my mind. “Now, don’t be so sure. Lots of different goings ons in the upcoming year. Quirrell taking over Defense Against the Dark Arts, Harry Potter starting next year, who’s to say Snape wouldn’t take a fancy to you.”

 

“I suppose, still…” Letting a heavy sigh escape me, I mulled over her words before actually processing all of it. “Wait, Harry Potter you said?”

 

“Oh, yes, did I not mention that before?” I laughed and shook my head a bit. “Ah, well, now I have then.”

 

“My goodness, has that much time already passed?” I hadn’t known the Potters directly. We had only shared a few years at Hogwarts, there having been a three year gap with myself ahead. Though I had been much aware of James Potter, as had been most of the school. After all, not only had he been a consistent Quidditch player, but also quite popular and ever the trouble maker, so hearing his name in the halls had been quite unavoidable. It had been quite a shock to hear about the circumstances of his death. “Can hardly believe it’s been eleven years since…” It was hard to find any description of their death that seemed appropriate to use in conversation, so I left it alone knowing Sybill would understand.

 

“Hmmm…” She nearly hummed in agreement, staring off at nothing in particular. 

 

“Well, I’m sorry to end our visit on such a dreary note,” The chair creaked from sudden absence as I managed to pry myself out of its comfort “but I should get going, have to prepare for exams week after all.”

 

“Of course, I look forward to spending some more time with you this summer,” With a nod and a smile, I made my way from her room and into the corridors.

 

The halls were fairly empty, not that that was surprising. It was a week until June, when exams were to start, so most everyone was preparing for them. Of course there were the few students, who deigned themselves above studying, and as a result were faffing about the hallway and being generally silly. As I walked into one of the courtyards I came upon two such students, George and Fred Weasley.  

 

Now in their second years, the twins had become instantly infamous among the teachers not soon after their arrival at Hogwarts. They had a knack for causing mayhem that was so bizarre even I had to marvel at it. Their first year they had managed to get into Filch’s office, a feat no other students had dared tried before, yet no one had been able to prove they had taken anything so they had only got off with a few night’s worth of detentions. Throughout the rest of that year, they had continued getting into and out of places with such an ease that if it weren’t such an impossible idea, some would have thought they had somehow figured out how to apparate. When the end of year exams had come ‘round, no one had expected them to be able to pass, and yet they had done exactly that. Most had disparaged at the inevitability that the Weasley twins would be back after summer’s end to cause more havoc. I was not one of those people. While their pranks were sometimes odd and a bit baffling, they were never outright dangerous nor particularly mean. 

 

At the moment they didn’t seem to be up to anything particularly mischievous, so I left well enough alone, only throwing out a “Weasleys” in greeting. I received a “Professor” in acknowledgement before they resumed in practically ignoring my presence. 

 

Carrying on past the courtyard and back into the arched halls, my mind wandered to the list of things that would need to be done before the exams. 

 

Writing the exams, of course, was first priority. That itself would be relatively easy, as Pomona would be assisting and giving me pointer’s on the best way to truly test the student’s comprehension of the lessons throughout the year. 

 

Next would be assessing the current state of the school garden, an important source of many of the classes such as providing the basic potion ingredients for every student’s basic potion’s kit and most of the plants that were used in lessons for herbology. The garden also sourced much of the food for Hogwarts meals for both faculty, students, and some of the creatures kept around. After checking the state of the garden would come to trying to see if any improvements or preparations needed to be made over the summer for the following year.

 

Thirdly would be my personal greenhouse. I, much like Hagrid, had a home built on the Hogwarts grounds near the edge of the Forbidden Forest. Attached to my small home, I had built a much larger greenhouse. Inside it was a multitude of both regular and magical plants, ranging to extremely common to somewhat rare. Most of these plants I grew and cultivated for the use of some of my fellow faculty. Madame Pomfrey often made use of my stores when she had to make remedies from scratch, Hagrid sometimes asked for different things depending on what creature he was currently caring for, Pomona used some of the more obscure plants in the lessons with higher year students, and even Severus commonly asked me for ingredients to replenish his stores for potions. The plants which I did not use to supply others, I either used for making teas, replenishing my own supplies, or in research of hybrid plants. Although, the last I did not take practice in as much anymore. With my responsibilities at the school growing, there was less in less time to dabble in my past hobby. Anyways, much like the school garden, I needed to assess its state and see if there were any changes to be made.

 

All in all, I was rather sure the times before exams would go rather smoothly, given nothing decided to explode in the following two weeks, both literally and figuratively.

  
  


Having been lost in my thoughts, I had ceased to pay attention to exactly where I was going, which had not been a problem so far as the halls were relatively empty. However, my luck was never the best and so it was of little surprise that eventually, when I went to turn a corner, I smacked face first into someone else. 


	2. Fremdscham

_Having been lost in my thoughts, I had ceased to pay attention to exactly where I was going, which had not been a problem so far as the halls were relatively empty. However, my luck was never the best and so it was of little surprise that eventually, when I went to turn a corner, I smacked face first into someone else._

 

 

 

 

There was at least a small saving grace they hadn’t been the same height, so instead of hitting my face with theirs, my forehead hit their chin. Though, I guess that was still quite embarrassing.

 

“Spurling,” At that deep, grumbling voice I really wished the ground would swallow me whole, “One would think a _teacher_ would have more wit about them.” Of course, I couldn’t just run into anybody, could I? No, it had to be the one person I wouldn’t be able to just casually brush off with a quick apology. Well… I could, but the more important question would be whether my mouth decided it wanted to coordinate with my brain. Might as well give it a try.

 

“Oh, Severus! Terribly sorry, bit lost in thought there,” Well, at least my mouth seemed cooperable enough. The glower I was receiving was only barely lessened in severity, but the crossed arms and tight frown remained. Though, I wasn’t really sure if Severus really had another state of being besides “severely cross”.

 

“Obviously,” He said in that way he did to the students when they were being particularly obtuse in his opinion. So, in response, my brain decided that while my mouth had worked fine, it was going to panic and utterly cock things up.

 

“Well, not _lost_ lost. I knew where I was heading. I mean, I hoped I would, after all I live here and everything. Yes, um, knew where I was going…,” And there it went, any possible intelligent thought flew out my ears as I made an utter fool of myself. “Although, I wasn’t paying attention, otherwise I wouldn’t have walked into you. I mean, I don’t know that for certain, we were coming ‘round a corner. So, who knows, maybe -”

 

“ _Spurling_ ,” Brought out of my rambling by the even more sharpened tone, I froze and blinked owlishly up at Severus. “Isn’t there somewhere you should be going now?” My mind remained utterly blank as the result of my bumbling.

 

“Actually, I’ve entirely forgot now...hmmm…” What was I doing… besides making myself look like an idiot, of course. Let’s see, I just had tea with Sybill, she read my leaves- and now I was reminded of my reading. Particularly about the part with the daisy- new love- and Sybil's comment regarding it, and oh wasn’t that a terrible thing to be reminded of at this exact moment.

 

I couldn’t help the crawling heat on my face from happening even if I had dropped dead at that very moment. Which, in all honesty would have been much preferred.

 

“If you’re going to stand there, I might as well remind you of the plants I requested for exam week,” Severus sighed brusquely.

 

“Plants?” Finally -thank Merlin- my brain was able to function once given the escape route of plants. “Oh, yes! I’ve been working on collecting those. Everything should be ready by the middle of next week, except perhaps the Boom Berries. They’ve been a bit scarce this season, but given those that are there ripen in time, there should be enough for what you requested.”

“Very well, as long as you deliver it before exams. Spurling,” With that, he dismissed himself and continued down the hallway.

 

As soon as he was out of sight, I had to resist the extremely strong urge to walk up to the closest wall and repeatedly bang my forehead against it. Here I was, a man in his mid thirties acting like a prepubescent tween, with a fellow colleague of several years no less. No matter the situation, I always seemed to find some way to make myself look like a fool.

 

 _Ah, well. Suppose it is what it is and there’s little I can do about it,_ and with that thought I pushed as much of the embarrassment to the back of my mind.

 

Finally able to process my thoughts in a normal capacity, I remembered where I had previously been heading.

 

******

 

Coming to the solid wood door, I gave a solid knock. After hearing no protests or welcomes from behind it, I took out my own key and used it to open the shared office. The door made a quiet click as it closed behind me.

 

Looking around, I confirmed that Pomona was nowhere in sight- most likely tending to the school gardens or some such things. Her desk was a whirlwind of papers, all a mix of what looked like some of the last minute tests we had the previous week, some scribbled notes stained with ink drippings, and a haphazard pile of letters that looked in danger of sliding over the edge of the desk. Any space that wasn’t covered in parchment had its space occupied by some kind of potted plant or a tin with what one could only assume was dried plants of some kind. Even with it always looking as if a thunderbird had come through, she was always able to pluck out exactly what she was looking for.

 

My own desk space was in great contrast to her chaotic space. Instead of having plants crowding the desktop, I had instead made a few vertical hanging planters with common herbs. All of my papers were divided into three very neat piles of tests, important letters and notices, and pertinent notes. I had made the mistake once, very early in my career at Hogwarts, of trying to straighten up her things. The result had been an extremely stern scolding that would have made even Dumbledore himself feel like a scolded child. Never again did I even consider touching her things.

 

Ignoring the ever present mess, I turned to go to my desk and take a seat in the simple but comfortable wooden chair. Procuring another key from a pocket, I unlocked one of the larger drawers and retrieved the beginnings of the mock-ups I had started for exams.

 

Staring at the parchment with my scratchy writing, I let out a heavy sigh. It was going to be a long next couple of weeks.

 

*******

 

Only five days until exams started, and I was a complete mess.

 

Making up the exams for Herbology with Pomona had been relatively easy, as there were two of us it went quite fast. With only a final look over needed, we would be able to make the final copies before the weekend came.

 

Unfortunately, this was almost the only thing that had gone accordingly. Everything else had been complete and utter madness.

 

Upon going to check on the state of the school gardens, I had found them completely ransacked by damn gnomes. It seemed they had been digging tunnels underneath the root plants for quite some time and only now had the garden started to show signs of this. Since it had taken quite long to even find out about the infestation, they were in great numbers and proving a great trouble to get rid of.  The first day or two had been spent trying to lure them out with worms into traps. While it had worked for the few that fell for it, there were still too many left. After a few more days of trying various charms and other methods, Pomona and I had finally had to relent and request that Hagrid procure a jarvey to rid the garden of gnomes. While we were waiting the their arrival, part of the garden had finally begun to sink from all the underground tunnels. This resulting the chomping cabbages getting loose and having to be wrangled before they destroyed even more, which was quite the pain.

 

As if having the school garden going to hell in a handbasket wasn’t enough, the shared potion stores had been invaded by a small group of chizpurfle. Luckily, they had only gotten to the spare cauldrons and were caught before they could move on to anything more important. However, it still had taken quite a lot of everyone's time to track them down and be removed.

 

Thank goodness my own personal greenhouse had been unaffected by the madness, else I would have exploded due to the ever mounting stress.

 

So, here I was, a complete mess with armfulls of supplies to deliver them to various of the other faculty.

 

First on the list was Madame Pomfrey. She had requested more ingredients to make Draught of Peace. With all that had been happening in the last weeks along with the fast approaching exams, the Draught had been in high demand.

As I entered the medical wing, there was thankfully only a few people milling about, one of them actually being the person I was looking for.

 

“Madame Pomfrey!” She turned around from where she was folding some sheets at the end of one of the beds.

 

“Arrel, I’ve been telling you for nearly five years now, just Poppy will do,” She scolded me jokingly, while I just lightly shook my head.

 

“And it’s likely you’ll be telling me the same for five more.” Her only response was to sigh with a roll of her eyes.

 

“Well, at least I presume you’ve brought the ingredients I asked for?”

 

“Of course,” Setting the large bin I had been carrying around, I bent down to rustle about its contents. Due to my labeling, the relevant tins were easy enough and I pulled them free, “Aha! There we are, enough Valerian roots and syrup of Hellebore that should last you a while.”

 

“Greatly appreciated,” Pomfrey took the tins before pausing and regarding me with a look. “Perhaps you should be taking one of the Draughts yourself. I’ve heard what a mess the gardens have become and you’re looking quite haggard.”

 

“Oh, I’m perfectly alright. The gardens will be back to rights soon enough and then I can rest up a bit.”

 

“All right, but I won’t be going easy on you if I find out you’ve been neglecting your health.”

 

“Not to worry,” and with that I hoisted my only somewhat lightened bin back into my arms. “I shall see you later, but for now I have more things to deliver.” After a nod of dismissal on Pomfrey’s part, I turned and exited the wing.

 

Next on my list of deliveries was Severus and Hagrid. Hagrid I would most likely be delivering to later in the evening, once I was heading back to my own hut. Severus, on the other hand, was possibly still in a class. Though…

 

_DONG…. DONG…._

 

The loud sound of the clock tower echoed loudly, signalling the beginning of the chimes for four o’clock. Coincidentally, this signalled the end of the last classes of the day, which was perfect timing.

 

Happy with the timing working out well, I turned to head in the direction of the dungeons.

 

The halls grew crowded with students as they filtered out of the various rooms. Many of the Hufflepuffs waved at me in hellos. With preparing to take over for Pomona, I had been spending a lot of time with the students of Hufflepuff house, even sometimes helping to chaperone the older years’ visits to Hogsmeade. As a result, they were all mostly acquainted with myself, and there were a few that had started to come to me for advice and such.

 

“Professor Spurling!” There was one such student. I watched as the blond head bobbed through the crowd to make his way over to me.

 

“Mister Diggory, how can I help you?” Cedric Diggory was a bright young thing, now at the end of his third year, who showed an abundance of potential. All of the professors had nothing but good things to say about the cheary boy, even Severus was limited in grumblings about him- which was not something most students outside of Slytherin could claim. He had even already been awarded a position in the Hufflepuff quidditch team the previous year and showed a fast advancement towards becoming one of the best players on the team.

 

“I had some questions about puffapods and was wondering if you could go over them with me?”

 

“Of course!” I was always ready to talk plants, especially with someone who was eager to learn, as they were much more likely to be interested. “However, I have a delivery to make first.”

 

“I could help, if you’d like?”

 

“That would be perfect, and then we can head to my office afterwards and discuss any questions you may have, including those on puffapods.” I lowered the bin slightly so that Diggory could take the tins out that I instructed him to- not that it was really needed, as he was already sprouting up like a beanstalk- and we headed on our way.

Diggory trailed behind me in silence for awhile, diving in and out in the crowd of students, before finally letting his curiosity get the best of him.

 

“What kind of plants are these, Professor Spurling?” I took a quick glance behind me to remind myself of what I had given him to hold. 

 

“The purple tin is Alihotsy leaves, the green should be Knotgrass, and the silver is Dirigible Plums.” All completely harmless. No, it wouldn’t do to have a student carrying around something like Fire Seeds, even if it was contained.

 

“And where is it we’re bringing them to?”

 

“Those ones and a few others will be going to Professor Snape.” Diggory seemed to grimace a bit at that, but I shrugged it off. It was no secret that most students dislike Severus a great deal, as he made it no secret how much he disliked them. Now that I was thinking on it, I actually could not name a single student that he showed any kind of approval for. Shrugging, as it was really no concern of mine, I came to a stop in front of a heavy door heavily inlaid with iron.

 

“Here we are!”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, a chapter two days in a row! That is completely unheard of for me, though I have already begun working on the third chapter. Waiting to see when my writing high will crash D:
> 
> In the meantime, comments are always welcome :)

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think! If I get comments, I may be more motivated to post "cough cough"
> 
> I'll be updating the tags as I go along


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